reduced to a giggling schoolgirl

I swear. I'm a 9 year old around him. He reduces me to giggles and blushes. I absolutely adore him.

month long hiatus

ok so i took a month long break. so much has happened. so much has changed. started dating a very sweet guy. we'll call him Zim. i like pseudonyms. anyways. i'm falling head first. it feels nice, i definately never got a chance to feel this way with my most recent ex, dan, mainly cause the sex started before the dating. i think i like this way better, getting to know someone better and letting the feelings build up and build up. don't get me wrong, we all need some random sex once in awhile, and if it's not completely random, ie someone you do truly care about just aren't dating, then that's even better, if it works out. but this is just... sigh. happy face. i really feel like it's good and it's gonna be good for awhile. but i'm also an optimist.

i've been working more and more at the coffee shop, which is nice, got a little extra money to burn. i've been working about 10 hours a week at the jewlery store too. i'm debating taking my lappy when i go to work there, cause sometimes it gets boring and i'd like to do other stuff while i'm there... shhhh don't tell my boss! i doubt i'll ever get up the nerve to do it.

i'm trying to get into the toledo lucas county public library system. i want to work in a library again, it's my passion. i want to be a librarian. there are never any positions open to the public, unfortunately, so i have to volunteer first. then hope upon hope that one opens up that i can jump at. i have previous experience and if i get a job, i'm gonna keep it for a very long time, while i'm working on my bachelor's and then probably my master's too. keep your fingers crossed for me please!

lifestyles

joining lifestyles friday morning. going and working out before my shift on friday. this is going to kill but it will be oh so very worth it. i have goals. i have plans. i will make it work. ooo i just found they offer online nutrition stuff. and andrea is a member so i can get her to come with me too. godamnit this will happen. i will make this work. no ifs ands or buts. i'm going to look and feels great. ok, peptalk over. where's the cookies? jk

sisterhood 4

i am currently reading Forever in Blue: The Fourth Summer of the Sisterhood. the sisterhood of the traveling pants that is. i am doing so in my livingroom with my sliding door open and sunshining in and stuff like that. and the paragraph i just read,

"Too flustered to look at her canvas, she looked at him. Frying pan to fire. She looked down his body, down all the golden skin. Oh, my. She saw what was there. How could she not? It wasn't Ecuador. It was more Brazil."

made me laugh maniacally. i <3 coming of age tales.

life is sweet again

sinko de drinko

went out last night. to the Distillery, it was the SellOut Kings last show... parked my car and was walking away and turned around for some reason and realized the car i parked one car away from was bonds, i thought... so yeah that started the anxiety... cassie was on her way so i got a beer and waited for her. she got there and we fought our way to back bar... went to dance. and the spot she picked in the crowd was right next to him, though she did it inadvertently. i think he walked away, i felt bad, it wasn't on purpose, she just found an empty-ish spot... so then andrea said she was on her way so we waited by the door, again by him, again not on purpose... see where this story is going??? so we all did shots. mary got there. went and danced. she only stayed a lil bit. Cassie and I walked her home and came back. sat down for the rest of the night... came home to an IM from someone that wasn't on my buddy list... and it was bond. first contact in 2 weeks and what, 4 days... so i left him a voicemail. i almost wish i had texted him cause now i dont remember exactly what i said, though i know there's some silence in there... so we'll see what happens i guess...

thorn in my side

everyday i logon and reread my vow to myself. every freaking day. not that there is that much temptation to do it that often, but i need a reminder. like a thorn in my side. things got so out of whack in my life for awhile. someone wise who is no longer in my life said the most cliche thing but i dont think i had ever heard it before, "it's called making love for a reason"

so he hasn't talked to me for two weeks and still everyone who knows him said that it's not like him. oh well, something musta happened. i assume he's still alive, as none of his friends have said anything to the contrary. i want my book back. i told nemesis that and she said do you really need this book... no, but i want it... it was my cheer up book, which is why i gave it to bond in the first place, he needed a good laugh...

i probably should have thought of a better title, as i am no longer having sex and i'm trying to find a different job...

my solemn vow

I will not have sex again until I am in love.

this is getting over you

this is getting over you... didnt even think i had to... but you have made that crystal clear... and in such a roundabout way... the things you changed, you didnt even have the gumption to say something to my face... wow... thought you were bigger than that... and if you've done this because of something that might be, and if you read this, i assume you'll know what i'm talking about... if you're running because of that, then that's just childish... and if you're running because of something i did, i dont even know what i did cause when you left on wednesday everything seemed fine... no goodbye kiss like always... what changed? i think you owe that to me to tell me why you've ever so subtly cut me out of your life... or do you owe it to me? did i put more stock into our friendship than you did? was i just a random person to hang out with and have fun with? or was i truly a friend?... i guess time will tell, cause i'm sure as hell not contacting you.

oh so very much

So much has happened. I don't even want to blog it cause I know I'll leave something important out... I'm going to attempt to do a bulletted list without too many details and if anyone reads this who wants them, they can email me and ask or whatever...

• Talked to Bond about his blog, helped me understand him more and I told him a few things... they didn't end up working out, and it's making me think more
• Went to Chevelle, Finger Eleven, Strata concert at headliners on monday, got purse and cdplayer faceplate stolen from car... they got everything cept my license and car key... stayed at Bond's house that night. he held me. i liked it.
• Cancelled all my cards, got locks changed on apartment, figured out how they got into my car
• Got purse back yesterday, everything still inside except my darvocet, debit and credit cards... all things irreplaceable were still there

je ne regret rien

I have always been proud of my ability to live my life with no regrets. Whatever I did, I wanted it at the time. And that's fine.

I am very attracted to someone. Sometimes I think he likes me back in the same way, until just now, when I read his blog. I was one of the people that convinced him to get a blog. And now in my routine maybe once a week reading it I find out that he doesn't. Posted tuesday, and then after last night / this morning, I'm so confused.

lazy days

haven't updated for a bit so decided to jump on. bond got a blog, as evidenced by his comment on my page. i've got alot in my head right now. been thinking too much. oh well. gotta go clean the shizznit out of my apartment.

my 3 days off work

i had the greatest 3 days ever. ever ever. and now it's coming to a close. pouty face.

speechless

wow. there are no words. none. none at all.

cogwheels take two

yep. cogwheels. i'v been thinking about my metaphor alot lately and i think, if tweaked, it would be a really nice piece of literature, something like that as the premise... i know alot of authors use the parallel stories technique and then bring them all together and stuff, but i think i really want to play with this...

i wonder if Bond reads this, if he remembers the web address...

rotating away

yeah, the previous post was definately true. i felt it and wrote it and it happened. we're going to just be friends. it's ok. i feel at peace. fate. it's all fate. there are things i can control, small things, which i definately let get away from me. i believe it's time to reevaluate. everything. i did like him, i liked him alot. he is a good guy. no question. but he said it's not there for him. and i respect and understand that. i have to reevaluate what i believe in. i dont know anymore. i feel like there is a big part of me missing, a big part of the world that i dont understand, and i want that understanding, i want that inner peace. i want to be ok with being by myself, i want to be ok with just staying at home, i want to be ok with waiting, for some reason i dont think i'm entirely ok with these things. i wasnt completely in control of my convictions and beliefs when i met him and thats why things escalated to the point they did so quickly. honestly i feel like i would have waited and put off more it would still have ended, though possibly not so fast. i was realistic though, i knew he was leaving in like two months. i need to become more in tune with what i want in life and how i want to go about achieving it. i look like i have things together on the outside, but sometimes inside i doubt myself. he brought up something in me. after i met him two boys started talking to me on a regular basis again, granted one is back with his ex, but i'm still talking to the other, Surrent, more often and i think it has to do with my confidence. granted it's a little down right this moment, but it'll be back up after i write enough. i think i'm done with this one...

gears.

do you ever feel like you met someone at the wrong part of their life and yours? like your life and his life are two giant cogs, rotating next to each other, for that instant, however brief, they come together and fit perfectly. then they part and are alone once more. and then you feel naked, without his beside yours, because your grooves and his grooves fit together so beautifully. and you hope and wish upon a star that the rotation of both of your cogwheels is not a constant so that the time where you are apart goes much faster than the time you previously spent together. and then, when they come together once more, time slows almost to a complete standstill so you can have infinitely more time together...

me myself and i

went to the gym today, or as Surrent so adorably puts it the "jim"... was on elliptical for only 30 min. gotta ease back into it, dont wanta over do it the first time, etc. then I weighed myself. OMG every scale that i have been on for the past I have NO idea has been lying... I'm quite the chubberific chica... so now, total lifestyle overhaul... damn living next door to a KFC, Wendy's, Burger King and Arby's... ffing sucks... and I'm sure the sweets at work don't help... working out again tomorrow tho, after work... blah

coffee

And now dear readers for some coffee... I'm at a coffee shop right now. My laptop's first trip outside since I bought her. Assholes making fun of me for tilting my head to the side when I type. Yep I'm a slave to the corporate coffee world. Oh well, we's all gotta make the money where we can. mmm Americano with sugar free caramel!

my agony

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bandwagon

I've decided that since I have been told I have a propensity for the dramatic storytelling of my life that I shall jump on the proverbial bandwagon and have a sex blog. Or just a rant blog. Or whatever.